gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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