some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
