sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
