I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
