Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
