I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Is Oprah even human
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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