he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
