woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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