i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
