how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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