so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
