i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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