Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
