So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
this is an emotional support booty call
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
