Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
