Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
