I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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