Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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