dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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