She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
