How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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