I wannas sexs uuuuu
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
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