I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
