Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
