Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
