Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
