after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
