Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
