I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
