Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
