My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
