I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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