it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
