I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
ttyl tear gas
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Also, beer. Big fan.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
