Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
