I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
