I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
