if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
