He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
