Your dad touched me again.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You were trust falling into bushes
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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