Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
