can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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