Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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