birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
