So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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