see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I smell stomach acid.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
