You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
