were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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