he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just invented taco cereal.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
