He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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