i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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