I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
