piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The power of my boobs compel you
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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